Ever Changing

Hey guys.  So it's been a few days since I posted, and as usual, lots of changes, again.  The guy I was seeing that dumped me, we're trying again.  After telling me how sorry he was and how he made a huge mistake and would do anything to prove how much he cared, I decided to give it another shot.  After all, I do care about him a lot.  I really hope I don't regret it this time.  I don't want to start over again.  I'm ready to be settled.  So much stress and ups and downs in my life that I need some kind of stability.  Whether that be at home (won't happen, 3 kids, duh), work (haha, another good laugh) or my relationships....ehhhh maybe.

Why are people so untrustworthy these days?  I'm not perfect but I try to be as honest as I can.  I just don't understand how people can be so two-faced.

Things have been a difficult lately with the kids, mainly my oldest.  She's almost 5 going on 15 and boy does she act like it.  I feel like I spend all my time yelling at her.  Everyone says that at this age that's really about what you do...but that doesn't make it any less difficult.  She's always arguing with me or talking back, she's stubborn.  I just feel awful.  It's easier to deal with the two younger ones because they don't argue back, at least not as much.  I don't want her earliest memories of me to be me yelling at her.
For example:  this morning, EVERY morning this happens by the way.  She'll get up, get in bed with me and play on my phone or the tablet for a while so I can get ready.  As soon as i'm done and want to get them dressed she starts and taking off her pajamas and has to go potty....EVERY morning....so I tell her to hurry up and go.  So she comes out, and I go to help her put on her underwear, and I tell her she has toilet paper stuck to her butt....so what does she do?  She pulls it off and throws it on the floor,....so I flip out....it could pee or poop on it or who knows!  So I yell at her and she goes, Why are you so mean to me.  It broke my frickin heart.  I felt awful.  So I said, do we throw toilet paper on the floor?  And she goes, no, so I say, ok that's why mommy got upset especially since it just CAME OFF YOUR BUTT!

So, Mommy fail.  I'm a germophobe so that stuff freaks me out.  I'm a jerk.

My youngest thought it was a good idea to poop as soon as we got in the car....sorry to the daycare teachers :(

A guy just rode by on a bike with his buttcrack sticking out...sorry, just had to throw that in there.

I know I'm going to have good days and bad days when it comes to parenting.  I just hate how the bad days seem so much more prominent.

It's going to be a long weekend....kids are gone until Thanksgiving which sucks...the boyfriend is hunting all weekend...so I'm working....Alll....Weekend....guess it's good....always can use the moneys.  Have to drive the kids an hour and a half up to their father tonight...

I need a drink....

Hello Again!

Surprise!  Bet you didn't think I'd be back.  Life has changed drastically and I'm doing this thing we call "Mommying" all on my own now.  That's right, I'm a single mom of 3!

Last August is when this started.  I left my children's father after years of verbal and mental abuse.  I realized that I didn't want my children to think that our relationship was "normal".

So, I've started over!  After months of staying with my parents, struggling with money and trying to find a job, and months and months of court hearings and custody battles things have finally settled.  My ex did everything he could to make me look like a terrible dangerous person.  But, he finally settled in September after we said he wouldn't have to pay child support.  So, he's paying me $200 a month,  which I haven't received anything yet, so that my kids can live with me Monday to Friday and every other weekend, and live in a safe and nice place and go to a great school.  I'm working full time as an Office Manager at an Auto Repair shop and I love every minute of it.  I also works weekends at a restaurant and take three college courses online.  My son who has had speech issues and a learning disorder is attending a special preschool 5 days a week and has shown amazing improvement.

Personally, things have been kind of rough.  That's why I decided to get back on here.  I'm on a path of self discovery, and I thought, what better way to keep track of my life than with this blog.  I honestly thought that I had deleted it.  I went to make a new account and it said it already existed, lo and behold, I found my blog from 2 years ago that got me through some of the darkest times of my life.

I've been dating off and on, found a few guys that I thought were promising but they ended up being exactly the way I expected.  I trust people way too much.  I'm starting to realize that the guy that I want to find doesn't exist.  Men are basically all the same.  I feel like the song Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble is an ode to my life.  I'm not looking for someone to raise my kids, I'm not looking for someone to replace their father, because their father should always be in their life.  I just want companionship and someone to support me emotionally.  After I get the kids to bed at night, I either sit on the couch or lay in bed alone in the quiet.  The quiet is nice, but it's almost too quiet.  I want someone to lay next to and talk about the day.  I want someone who isn't going to change when things get hard.  Guess I'll just have to put that on the back burner for now.  

As far as my OCD goes, it's improved in so many ways.  After leaving my ex, I immediately started improving.  I've been seeing a therapist who is mainly helping me with self confidence and trying to help me figure out why I get stuck in horrible relationships with narcissists.  My OCD has been under control.  I'm really doing this, and all by myself.

Needless to say, life is hard.  It's chaotic and busy and loud and obnoxious but I wouldn't change it.  There are times I wish it were easier, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this alone which not a lot of people would be able to do.

The kids and I have our own house now.  We have our own place, our own safe haven.  It's usually a disaster area, I won't lie.  My kids are tiny tornados leaving paths of destruction behind them.  It's three to one and I can barely keep up most of the time.  There's a pile of laundry in front of my washer and I'm pretty sure the load that's in there now has been restarted about 3 times.  My house isn't dirty or filthy, that I don't like.  But it's a mess.  Most of the time I'm just too damn tired to clean up after the kids go to bed or I have a homework assignment that I have to do.

So....here I am.  On a path of self discovery.  I've lost myself over the years with so much going on.  I think it's about time I find myself again.  So I'm starting now, in front of you all.  Here I am, exposed, raw and telling the world about how imperfect I am.  But that's ok.  I'm a beautiful mess (most of the time).  Today is day one.  Stay tuned for more daily updates of my life and some GREAT stories about my kids, because I guarantee, a day does NOT go by without something happening in my house!  You want to feel normal?  Keep reading my blogs!

Here we go...Hi everyone.  I'm a 27 year old stay-at-home mom of 2 with another on the way. I decided to start a blog to share my struggles through my life with OCD and Anxiety disorder. My hope is that if this reaches enough people, maybe mental illnesses won't be so misunderstood or looked down upon anymore. OCD is a very misunderstood illness. The anxiety just makes it worse, like your insides are on fire or you're going to throw up or something like that. Anyways...my OCD has been around for as long as I can remember. I have "intrusive thoughts".  These thoughts are usually violent or harmful and are usually always about the people I care about most. When I was little, I can remember watching CSI and a thought popped into my head about violently hurting my Mom.  I was terrified.  I thought I was crazy or I was becoming a killer. It continued on throughout my younger years, accompanied with compulsive hand washing and constant fear of germs or contracting illnesses.  I wasn't even sexually active but was constantly afraid I was pregnant.  It sucked.... My childhood was kind of rough.  My parents divorced when I was 3 and I took it really hard.  My mom says that she saw me change the day it happened.  I was no longer myself and was just kind of there but not there. I was sad. I felt guilty about everything I did, no matter how big or how small. I felt guilty about the things I thought even though I didn't want to think certain things. I constantly was looking for confidence in my Mom about anything I felt guilty about. Confiding would make me feel better. When I was in my early 20's, my OCD turned randomly after a counseling appointment to a girl I had gone to school with. We were very good friends for a while, then I was having weird feelings, like I was afraid she was gay and that I was attracted to her and maybe I was gay and blah blah.... I felt terrible for being mean to her and I thought I ruined her life by making everyone else believe that she was "weird". So I was constantly thinking about her, not understanding if it was because I was attracted to her, or if I felt bad for her or guilty for my childhood torment. Another symptom of OCD is questioning your sexuality. So I was constantly asking myself, am I thinking about her because I think I should be with her? My mind always goes to the worst possible scenario, no matter what the situation is. I did apologize to her.  I randomly messaged her on Facebook and confided all this to her about how I was having these thoughts and how I was sorry for being mean to her. Anyways, she forgave me and eventually my mind shifted to something else and now I know that it's the random OCD that picks random things. Next, it was a guy I worked with. I had a random thought about dating him and it was stuck in my head.  Was I supposed to be with him? Did I like him? It was the same thing.  I was with my current boyfriend and father of all my kids and I felt guilty for having these thoughts. When I was pregnant with our daughter, our 1st. I was having bad anxiety and thoughts about suicide. If you don't know, pregnancy can make OCD much worse, which is has for me, every time. So I had our daughter. I was afraid that I didn't feel the way new moms were supposed to feel when they hold their baby for the first time. I cried, yes.  But I question if I cried because I was overwhelmed with emotions, or because I was scared shitless. I like to think it was a little of both. I had post partum for a while and then got pregnant with our 2nd, my son, when my daughter was only 7 months old.  None of our children have been planned. So during post partum, I was having thoughts of hurting my daughter.  Horrible thoughts.  They terrified me and they were so frequent and strong and the anxiety was so bad that I was terrified of myself. Now, I'm pregnant with our 3rd, not sure if a boy or girl yet, and having horrible OCD that's kind of fluctuating. First, it was that I was a terrible mom because I spanked my daughter.  Any comment someone makes, or anything I hear, can be a thought that's turned against myself. Yes, I spank my daughter.  Not so much anymore unless she's being REALLY bad. But I did spank her.  I didn't beat her, I was always afraid I did....but I didn't. Did I get really mad and smack her butt a few times? Yup.  But I never did more than that. She's not potty trained yet.  So I feel guilty for that.  That i'm not constantly trying to get her to go on the potty. She's almost 2 1/2. I wasn't too worried about it until usually my family, says something and makes me start to think. So I think I'm a terrible mom.  Because my daughter isn't potty trained, because she walks around in a diaper, sometimes all day, depending on if we go outside or not and the temperature, that she has grilled cheese for lunch almost everyday because she's picky and won't eat much else, and that mac and cheese is her favorite dinner. Does she randomly eat other things? Yes, but very randomly. I'm not a perfect mom.  I know that.  I'm always hard on myself and I always will be.  No matter if it's the OCD or not. So having these intrusive thoughts about my daughter were so scary.  The OCD made me doubt myself so much and wonder if it was actually me really thinking these horrible things or if it was the OCD.  So I bought this book, called "The OCD Workbook", and it's been a godsend. I can hear as many people as there are on earth tell me that it's not me and it's just a chemical imbalance, but actually reading it in a book published by professional psychiatrists definitely makes me feel better. Also, this book stated that people with OCD do not act on these thoughts.  And it's usually the complete opposite of how they really feel. I love my daughter.  Does she drive me nuts? YES.  Do I miss when I was a responsible free woman, able to do whatever whenever I wanted? YES. But I made the decision to have children. I don't think I regret it. I tell myself I don't, but OCD is the doubting disease. I constantly have to seek reassurance from people that what I'm telling myself is true. I love my kids. My daughter is in the terrible twos.  She doesn't always act like a snot, but when she does, I about lose my mind.  She's very smart for her age, and she knows it.  She knows every button to press. My son is now mobile so I'm chasing around 2 kids instead of one.  Add on the OCD, anxiety and pregnancy hormones and I'm a freakin wack job. One minute I love everyone, next minute I don't want anyone touching me. This morning I got my daughter all dressed and ready to go and did her hair all pretty.  She takes the headband and pulls it down to cover her eyes (she thinks it's funny, it is cute, when i'm in the mood for it), but I wasn't in the mood. So she ruined her hair, and i was annoyed....and i looked at her and thought to myself, "I hate you". And I felt terrible.  Horrible. A terrible horrible mother.  Who thinks those things about their kids?  So naturally, I text everyone I know with kids, and they all say the same thing, everyone feels like that sometimes.  I don't hate her, I hate the things she does sometimes or the way she acts.  Then I feel guilty for feeling any type of frustration towards her because she's 2. I feel the same way about my boyfriend sometimes.  You know the Pink song, I hate you but I love you?  Yah that's it.  I get so mad at him sometimes and I want to punch him.  But he's overall a good guy and a good dad. He works hard and I don't give him very much credit.  I'm extremely hormonal right now so everything upsets me 100% more than normal and I'm normally a VERY over dramatic person.  So anyways, right now, I'm battling with the thought that I don't like, or love my own child. I'm just trying to remember what my workbook said, that your thoughts are usually the opposite of what you really feel.  I love my daughter but she stresses me out. I don't have to like her all the time.  I'm pretty sure my parents didn't and probably still don't like me all the time. I was and am a pain in the ass...I know that. So I'm constantly battling myself in my mind. OCD is a bitch and it tries to pull you in the worst directions.  It wants to break you and make you feel like complete crap which it definitely does to me sometimes.  I'm currently on Prozac and have been for about 2 1/2 weeks now.  The doctors say it usually takes about a month to kick in, great....so I'm just sitting here waiting....I have my "take as needed" anxiety pills, but I try not to take them unless I really need them. I'm trying to drink Chamomile tea because it's supposed to be good for stress.  And right now, my daughter is double fisting two sippy cups and it's awesome.  The other day, she pooped and took it out of her diaper and was playing with it....while I was wiping her hands off I looked at her and thought, she's pretty awesome. She was covered in poop, but she's still cool. Sometimes I get so upset, sometimes I don't. When she's cuddling with me at night, that's when I love her most. I constantly battle all kinds of things and thoughts in my head whether it's concerning my kids, my boyfriend, being a stay at home mom, money etc.  It never ends but I'm trying to get a hold on it.  I need to be a little easier on myself. My kids aren't perfect.  I'm not the perfect Mom.  But they're happy(most of the time) and healthy, so I think I'm doing an okay job so far. I know some days I'll wish that I wasn't a Mom, and I'll wish that I had no responsibilities, but I have 2 little miracles in my life. We have a love hate relationship.  I know that my kids don't like me sometimes. But we love each other, and for now, that's good. I guess my goal is to help people to realize that life can be really hard, being a parent is really hard, and yes sometimes it sucks.  No one said it was easy, and whoever does say that, must be high or drunk all the time. When they're at a difficult age I think it's easy to get frustrated. They'll get passed that age though. And until then, there are those moments when they act like they like you, and it's great. When you hear "Momma" and it pulls at your heart. I look forward to when all my chemicals and hormones or whatever are balanced out and I can go back to being myself.  A happy mom who sometimes thinks she's gonna lose it, but makes it through. During those times I'm not usually so hard on myself.  Mostly just when my OCD is really bad. Right now it's so easy to doubt everything I think and feel or to question my self. Sometimes I can't wait for bed time, and I feel horrible saying that.  But sometimes I can't wait to get home so I can see them.  Everyday is different. So anyways.  I'll continue posting things...maybe people will read them and can relate and it helps someone. Thanks.