Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Where Did I Get Stuck?

Where Did I Get Stuck?

I never seemed to know what I really wanted to do or be when I “grew” up.  In school we took the Career test and mine came back that I should find a job in a creative field.  But lets be honest; unless you’re Celine Dion or Picasso, you’re not really going to get very far.  I feel like those types of people who actually make a living from an artistic career are few and far between, and also, extremely lucky. 
I went through school constantly changing my mind.  First it was astronomy and meteorology.  Then veterinary science and the performing arts.  I loved all things music and was a member of the choir and concert band.  I could never seem to get reading music down though.  It was like there was a mental block preventing me from learning after a certain point.
Eventually I stopped thinking about careers I would like to have and started thinking about careers that would get you places in the world.  I started in college as a Communications major, then switched to Liberal Arts after I realized that I had no interest in the Communications field.  I ended up dropping out before finishing my degree and just recently picked it up last year by working towards my Associates in Business Administration after doing Tourism Management.
Again, I dropped out.  Custody battles, kids, working two jobs and life in general just made it impossible to take a full course load online.  So here I am, sitting at a desk, working as a so called “Office Manager” at an automotive repair shop that specializes in towing and I hate it.  I literally do nothing all day.  Most people would say that sounds amazing, why the hell are you complaining?  Well, I was one of those people and for the first few weeks, it was great.
Three months later and I’m going stir crazy.  I miss having a purpose.  I have a brain that I hardly use.  I have no idea what to do with my life and trying to find another job right now is pointless since I don’t have enough steady experience as an Office Manager to be hired anywhere. 
I guess I’m just sitting here thinking, where did I get stuck?  Of course life happened.  I’m busy in general with three kids, a boyfriend, and a house.  But where did I go?  Where did the woman disappear to that had so many hopes and dreams for her future?
Most of you are probably reading this thinking, “It’s not too late.  Stop complaining and do something about it”.  Well let me first say, I am working on it.  I’m doing research and talking to colleges about what I can do to get my financial aid back.  The problem is, I think, that I’m scared.  Of what, I’m not really sure, but something is definitely holding me back. 
I love my kids and I love being a Mom.  But there’s more to me than that.  I want to have a purpose and feel like I’m working towards something.  I want to be fulfilled.  I feel like I’ve lost my ambition and if I don’t find it soon I’m going to be stuck in a dead end job barely making enough money to get by.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.  There are millions of people out there working their butts off but they’re miserable and are wondering how the hell they got there in the first place.  I’m just voicing it, for me, and for all of you.  This economy and this society makes it hard for us to find our passions nowadays though.  Passions don’t pay the bills or put food on the table.  Something’s gotta give. 

Thursday, May 4, 2017

The Twos

It's official, my 2 year old has entered the "Jerk Phase".  This morning alone after getting her dressed which was a chore in itself, she took off her sweatshirt twice after I told her not to lord knows how many times.  She thought it was hilarious which I think makes me even more annoyed.  Then after doing her hair she pulled the rubber bands out and laughed so she looked like a younger female version of Alfalfa.  After fixing her hair, she immediately started taking the rubber band out again.  I yelled no, grabbed her hand and gave it a little smack.  Not hard.  She finds it funny when I get upset.  She hits her brother and does things to make him mad on purpose.  Maybe it's payback for him doing it to her.  I'm not sure.  Looks like my baby is growing up.

Things have been going pretty good.  I've been on Zoloft for a few months and it definitely seems to be helping.  I've been working out and eating healthy.  Down 12 pounds and feeling better about myself.  I've been going to the gym to run then doing a cardio workout at home when I can't make it to the gym.

My boyfriend is amazing.  He's the sweetest most helpful guy I've ever met.  OCD is trying to ruin it by questioning my feelings for him.  It's called Relationship OCD.  Whenever I'm really happy it tries to ruin it.  It sucks.  I've had it in the past and also with my family members and even my kids.  It's awful.  Luckily, he's also the most understanding guy in the world and does all he can to help me and make me feel better.  I'm so glad that I finally found him and I won't let OCD ruin that for me.

My patience has been pretty bad lately with my kids.  Makes me feel like a crappy Mom. Especially with my oldest.  We argue a lot.  Seems like all I do is yell at them.  It's terrible.  I looked up a few articles on how to improve my patience and implemented some of the strategies last night.  It definitely seemed to work.  I'm going to try my hardest to be the Mom that my kids deserve and need.

I miss food.  Food always makes me feel better.  I wish being fat was cool because I would own at that.

My oldest is starting kindergarten in the fall.  Where the hell has the time gone.  I worry that struggling so much with the OCD in the past has made me miss out on a lot of them growing up.  She has a bacterial infection in her arm from a shot she got at the doctors.  Makes me feel secure about them going to the doctors now....sarcasm.  She's on antibiotics and getting better thank God.

So literally every single day that I pick my kids up from school, my son has a meltdown.  No idea why, when I ask him why he's crying he says he doesn't know.  He doesn't get a nap during the day because he goes back and fourth to his therapy and I think that really gets to him.  It's a pretty miserable ride home and it puts me in a bad mood which makes my patience very thin.  My Mom said she thinks he's hangry.  Very likely could also be why so I'm going to start keeping snacks in the car for them.

I need a vacation, like some far away tropical place where I can sit out on a patio surrounded by palm trees and sip on drinks with little umbrellas in them.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Just kidding, serotonin's a bitch!

So much for thinking that I was slowly beginning to feel better.  Guess I jinxed myself....way to go serotonin and my fat mouth!

I partly blame serotonin due to my lack of it, causing my anxiety and OCD. 

Today blew (sorry for the bluntness) big ass balls. 

My girls decided that they didn't want to sleep last night.  If one wasn't up, the other was.  Mommy didn't get much sleep.  I was planning on getting up around 7:30 since I knew that I would need as much extra sleep as I could.  I gave the kids their tablets and they played for what was apparently much longer than I had intended since my body thought it needed to sleep until 9.  9AM!  When the hell was the last time that I slept in that damn long. 

I woke up and freaked out.  I was supposed to have an interview this morning at 10:15 in the city and realizing I wouldn't have time to make it and I looked like a dead person, I started to panic.  As I slowly started accepting the inevitable the people called and asked to reschedule, thank God. I still needed to have my kids to their school by 10:45 at the absolute latest, this being because my son is picked up from there and bussed to his other school about a 1/2 hour away for his therapy. 

For some stupid reason I decided that I need to trim my hair this morning, and lord knows that I can't just make it a "quick" trim because I'm a damn perfectionist when it comes to certain things, it took longer than anticipated.  During this time I had to keep going out and yelling at my kids for beating each other up.  By the time I finally got in the shower it was 10.  I then needed to get dressed, do my hair, enough make up to cover up the bags under my eyes and get my kids ready.  Getting my kids ready entails getting them all changed, socks and shoes on, fixing their hair since I REFUSE to be that parent that sends my kids to school looking like they were electrocuted.  I then have to pack my sons lunch, get their coats and hats on, yell some more while they fight about who gets to go out the door first then herd them into the van.  Then there's getting them in their seats and buckled while my two oldest fight about which seat is whose and my oldest doesn't know how to buckle her seat belt even though she does it every. single. damn. day while my youngest asks for chee (cheese).  Luckily today wasn't one of the days when I had to grab my son by the hood of his coat right before he ran into the street while holding my youngest in my other arm.  I never realized how good I was at multitasking until I became a Mom!

I glanced at the clock and nearly had a panic attack when I realized that it was 10:37.  My kids school is 10 minutes away and I was never going to make it.  Bring on the flood of panic and racing thoughts.  How was I going to do this.  I had to be at work by 12.  My son has to be at his school for therapy by 12 which is 20 minutes the complete opposite way.  Still needed to stop for gas and drop my girls off at their school.  I usually try to get to work a bit early so I can eat a salad so I'm not starving and stuffing my face with whatever fits in my hands.  Wouldn't have time this morning, so I grabbed some hard boiled eggs and an orange.  Heading out, I started peeling an egg at a stoplight, of course the egg wasn't being a douche and thought it was funny to pull off giant chunks of the egg with it's shell.  I about threw the egg at the windshield and said screw this.  I was on the verge of losing my sanity so all I could think was stop and get something disgusting for me that will make me feel better.

I have an eating issue.  I've realized this for a while.  Eating seems to be what I do to make myself feel better in all situations.  When I'm happy, sad, upset whatever, I eat.  So, we hit up Dunkin Donuts and I got a breakfast burrito and a frozen coffee and some munchkins for the kids.  While driving to my sons school I looked at the time and realized that it was almost 12, and I might not have my girls to school in time for them to eat lunch.  Stopped and got gas, tried getting $20 worth but since I can't seem to get anything right, ever, I of course stopped at $20.01.  I got to my sons school and waited a few minutes until I could bring him in, spending those few minutes having a complete meltdown reliving the morning and how I took out all of my anger and anxiety on my kids and feeling like the worst parent in the world. 

It's pretty amazing how much a person can dislike themselves.  It sounds awful, I know.  But my kids are still babies.  It's not their fault we were running late, it was mine.  They were just acting the way they always do, I just couldn't deal with it the way I should have because I was pissed off and mad at myself.  It's unfair and I still feel terrible about it 10 hours later.

I raced back, stopped at McDonalds to get the girls lunch (yes I know, so healthy, mom of the year) and got them to school and hugged them both as hard as I could and whispered how sorry I was for having such a terrible morning.

I spend the next few minutes on the phone sobbing while talking to my Mom.  Thanks Mom by the way for always being there for me when I'm completely nuts. 

Conclusion?  I called my psychiatrist and practically begged him to put me back on the something.  Honestly, I'd rather be overweight than spend every morning like this.  It's just not worth it, and I pray everyday that my kids are young enough that they won't remember me this way. 

So, if you're having a bad day....just remember....you're not alone.  A lot of my days are rough like this.  No one tells you about days like these.  Everyone loves talking about all the good parts of parenting and believe me, there's a lot of good.  But, there's also a lot of bad.  It's not easy.  It's hard, every single day.  Good days, bad days, good weeks, bad months.  It's up and down.  It's bipolar. 

I'm sorry if you're sitting there reading this thinking how terrible of a person I am.  But I'm here to be honest.  That's what the whole idea of my blog is about.  Honesty.  Because I know, for a fact, that I'm not the only Mom out there who goes through this.  So for you, that Mom who is sitting there, feeling alone, just remember you're not.  I'm just like you. 

Monday, March 6, 2017

Unmedicated Motherhood

I have a goal.  Eventually I want to become a professional blogger.  I know how difficult it is but I think with my life and my story, I can actually reach people in a different way. 

Since starting my blog back up last year, my posts have been very random.  I'm going to start writing at least twice a week, probably more since writing tends to be very therapeutic. 

Here's an update.  I quit my fulltime job so I'm just serving/bartending at the restaurant now.  I'm not with the other guy anymore....he ended up being just like my ex...ew.  Luckily it didn't take me as long to realize it!  I'm seeing a guy I met at my old job.  He's quite incredible and I'm terrified to jinx it so I'm not going to say anymore.

I stopped taking all prescribed meds about 3 weeks ago.  Since starting Prozac, I gained 15 pounds.  I was also at a job that went from being very enjoyable to being extremely stressful and anxiety provoking.  Gaining the weight was causing me to be depressed.  I tried exercising and eating healthy for a few weeks and nothing happened.  I couldn't lose the weight.  I spend a few weeks doing some research on all natural supplements and vitamins that could help me in the same way as prescribed meds and came across a few options.  After speaking with my psychiatrist, he confirmed that I wouldn't lose the weight while on medication, and since my OCD seemed to have been under control, he wanted to try me off of it for a while and thought trying the natural supplements was a good idea.

So here I am, 3 weeks later, taking 900mg of St Johns Wort, 3 vitamin B and C stress formula tablets, 1440mg of DHA Omega-3 Fish Oil, 250mg of Magnesium, 1000iu of Vitamin D3, 65mg of Iron, and 2 tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar.  All of this is a combination to help with anxiety, depression and to aid in weight loss.  I've started working out again and eating healthy.  When I say healthy, I mean lots of veggies (mostly green), protein, healthy carbs, healthy fats.  Apple Cider Vinegar not only helps balance out your bodies PH levels but it also aids in weight loss by curbing your appetite.  Lucky for me (complete and utter sarcasm) shark week arrived on Sunday.  If you're not quick witted enough to figure out what shark week is, just think...blood in the water...rip your face off....sorry for the visual!  So that being said, it's been difficult with the healthy eating part and also the added stress and anxiety and irritability.  I was diagnosed with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) which is basically PMS x 100000000000.  The Prozac was also prescribed to me for that, so being off of it has made the PMDD pretty bad.  Food has been my stress relief and my friend.  Luckily it gets better a few days in so I'm finally slowly feeling better. 

Now....I'm pretty sure I terrified a complete stranger this afternoon who was trying to enjoy a nice late day jog.   After going back and fourth with number 2 who didn't want to leave the bottom step of the porch, number 3 decided to start arguing with me about leaving her 2-hour-old milkshake in my friends house.  I told her it was gone and she proceeded to argue with me about how it wasn't then jump from 4 years old to 15 and throw attitude at me.  I was already irritated so I snapped and yelled at her, just as the poor gentleman was running by.  Pretty sure I heard him poop himself a bit.  As I wrestled number 2 into the car I pondered the idea of the man calling CPS on me.  Alas, he did not and we were on our merry way back home. 

I swear to all things holy, Motherhood is just being a constant referee.  It seems like all you do is yell and argue.  After a few minutes you realize how ridiculous you must look from the outside, standing there, arms flailing, arguing with a 3 or 4 year old about not picking your nose.  My kids fight, constantly.  My parents bought the kids all their own little personalized chairs for Christmas, great idea right?  They're adorable and cute, right from Pottery Barn Kid.  Unfortunately, whenever one of them is sitting in one, the other two absolutely need that same chair, or else the world will come crashing down around them.  Cue the wrestling match. 

I've gotten good at reading cries.  Let me explain.  Every one of my kids has a specific cry for whatever is going on.  They have the whining cry when they don't get their way, probably the most annoying thing in existence.  Makes me want to scratch my ears off my head.  There's the fake cry, this one is the most pathetic and I usually have to hide my face since I'm laughing so hard, it's quite pathetic looking.  There's the fleeting injury cry, this is when there really isn't an injury, more like one of the kids smacked the other or pushed them and they're mad and want to get each other in trouble.  I usually ignore this cry unless it turns into the next one I'll mention....The heart stopping cry.  This is when they have trouble breathing because they're crying so hard.  That's when you run because you know something is wrong. 

Luckily tonight wasn't too bad.  A couple fleeting injury cries and fake cries.  Those are what most of our evenings are made up of.  And fun times putting the kids to bed.  My oldest is the worst.  I swear she has a list of excuses hidden under pillow.  She comes up with the most random crap.  It's annoying as hell but quite interesting at the same time, that's when her imagination really shines!

I think I'll wrap this up and call it a night.

The last few weeks have been rough.  My patience has been very thin and it shows.  It makes me feel very guilty.  Everyone tells me it's normal and everyone has rough times with there kids.  Because of my OCD and Anxiety it just always hits me a bit harder.  My OCD girls know what I'm talking about!