Here we go...Hi everyone.  I'm a 27 year old stay-at-home mom of 2 with another on the way. I decided to start a blog to share my struggles through my life with OCD and Anxiety disorder. My hope is that if this reaches enough people, maybe mental illnesses won't be so misunderstood or looked down upon anymore. OCD is a very misunderstood illness. The anxiety just makes it worse, like your insides are on fire or you're going to throw up or something like that. Anyways...my OCD has been around for as long as I can remember. I have "intrusive thoughts".  These thoughts are usually violent or harmful and are usually always about the people I care about most. When I was little, I can remember watching CSI and a thought popped into my head about violently hurting my Mom.  I was terrified.  I thought I was crazy or I was becoming a killer. It continued on throughout my younger years, accompanied with compulsive hand washing and constant fear of germs or contracting illnesses.  I wasn't even sexually active but was constantly afraid I was pregnant.  It sucked.... My childhood was kind of rough.  My parents divorced when I was 3 and I took it really hard.  My mom says that she saw me change the day it happened.  I was no longer myself and was just kind of there but not there. I was sad. I felt guilty about everything I did, no matter how big or how small. I felt guilty about the things I thought even though I didn't want to think certain things. I constantly was looking for confidence in my Mom about anything I felt guilty about. Confiding would make me feel better. When I was in my early 20's, my OCD turned randomly after a counseling appointment to a girl I had gone to school with. We were very good friends for a while, then I was having weird feelings, like I was afraid she was gay and that I was attracted to her and maybe I was gay and blah blah.... I felt terrible for being mean to her and I thought I ruined her life by making everyone else believe that she was "weird". So I was constantly thinking about her, not understanding if it was because I was attracted to her, or if I felt bad for her or guilty for my childhood torment. Another symptom of OCD is questioning your sexuality. So I was constantly asking myself, am I thinking about her because I think I should be with her? My mind always goes to the worst possible scenario, no matter what the situation is. I did apologize to her.  I randomly messaged her on Facebook and confided all this to her about how I was having these thoughts and how I was sorry for being mean to her. Anyways, she forgave me and eventually my mind shifted to something else and now I know that it's the random OCD that picks random things. Next, it was a guy I worked with. I had a random thought about dating him and it was stuck in my head.  Was I supposed to be with him? Did I like him? It was the same thing.  I was with my current boyfriend and father of all my kids and I felt guilty for having these thoughts. When I was pregnant with our daughter, our 1st. I was having bad anxiety and thoughts about suicide. If you don't know, pregnancy can make OCD much worse, which is has for me, every time. So I had our daughter. I was afraid that I didn't feel the way new moms were supposed to feel when they hold their baby for the first time. I cried, yes.  But I question if I cried because I was overwhelmed with emotions, or because I was scared shitless. I like to think it was a little of both. I had post partum for a while and then got pregnant with our 2nd, my son, when my daughter was only 7 months old.  None of our children have been planned. So during post partum, I was having thoughts of hurting my daughter.  Horrible thoughts.  They terrified me and they were so frequent and strong and the anxiety was so bad that I was terrified of myself. Now, I'm pregnant with our 3rd, not sure if a boy or girl yet, and having horrible OCD that's kind of fluctuating. First, it was that I was a terrible mom because I spanked my daughter.  Any comment someone makes, or anything I hear, can be a thought that's turned against myself. Yes, I spank my daughter.  Not so much anymore unless she's being REALLY bad. But I did spank her.  I didn't beat her, I was always afraid I did....but I didn't. Did I get really mad and smack her butt a few times? Yup.  But I never did more than that. She's not potty trained yet.  So I feel guilty for that.  That i'm not constantly trying to get her to go on the potty. She's almost 2 1/2. I wasn't too worried about it until usually my family, says something and makes me start to think. So I think I'm a terrible mom.  Because my daughter isn't potty trained, because she walks around in a diaper, sometimes all day, depending on if we go outside or not and the temperature, that she has grilled cheese for lunch almost everyday because she's picky and won't eat much else, and that mac and cheese is her favorite dinner. Does she randomly eat other things? Yes, but very randomly. I'm not a perfect mom.  I know that.  I'm always hard on myself and I always will be.  No matter if it's the OCD or not. So having these intrusive thoughts about my daughter were so scary.  The OCD made me doubt myself so much and wonder if it was actually me really thinking these horrible things or if it was the OCD.  So I bought this book, called "The OCD Workbook", and it's been a godsend. I can hear as many people as there are on earth tell me that it's not me and it's just a chemical imbalance, but actually reading it in a book published by professional psychiatrists definitely makes me feel better. Also, this book stated that people with OCD do not act on these thoughts.  And it's usually the complete opposite of how they really feel. I love my daughter.  Does she drive me nuts? YES.  Do I miss when I was a responsible free woman, able to do whatever whenever I wanted? YES. But I made the decision to have children. I don't think I regret it. I tell myself I don't, but OCD is the doubting disease. I constantly have to seek reassurance from people that what I'm telling myself is true. I love my kids. My daughter is in the terrible twos.  She doesn't always act like a snot, but when she does, I about lose my mind.  She's very smart for her age, and she knows it.  She knows every button to press. My son is now mobile so I'm chasing around 2 kids instead of one.  Add on the OCD, anxiety and pregnancy hormones and I'm a freakin wack job. One minute I love everyone, next minute I don't want anyone touching me. This morning I got my daughter all dressed and ready to go and did her hair all pretty.  She takes the headband and pulls it down to cover her eyes (she thinks it's funny, it is cute, when i'm in the mood for it), but I wasn't in the mood. So she ruined her hair, and i was annoyed....and i looked at her and thought to myself, "I hate you". And I felt terrible.  Horrible. A terrible horrible mother.  Who thinks those things about their kids?  So naturally, I text everyone I know with kids, and they all say the same thing, everyone feels like that sometimes.  I don't hate her, I hate the things she does sometimes or the way she acts.  Then I feel guilty for feeling any type of frustration towards her because she's 2. I feel the same way about my boyfriend sometimes.  You know the Pink song, I hate you but I love you?  Yah that's it.  I get so mad at him sometimes and I want to punch him.  But he's overall a good guy and a good dad. He works hard and I don't give him very much credit.  I'm extremely hormonal right now so everything upsets me 100% more than normal and I'm normally a VERY over dramatic person.  So anyways, right now, I'm battling with the thought that I don't like, or love my own child. I'm just trying to remember what my workbook said, that your thoughts are usually the opposite of what you really feel.  I love my daughter but she stresses me out. I don't have to like her all the time.  I'm pretty sure my parents didn't and probably still don't like me all the time. I was and am a pain in the ass...I know that. So I'm constantly battling myself in my mind. OCD is a bitch and it tries to pull you in the worst directions.  It wants to break you and make you feel like complete crap which it definitely does to me sometimes.  I'm currently on Prozac and have been for about 2 1/2 weeks now.  The doctors say it usually takes about a month to kick in, great....so I'm just sitting here waiting....I have my "take as needed" anxiety pills, but I try not to take them unless I really need them. I'm trying to drink Chamomile tea because it's supposed to be good for stress.  And right now, my daughter is double fisting two sippy cups and it's awesome.  The other day, she pooped and took it out of her diaper and was playing with it....while I was wiping her hands off I looked at her and thought, she's pretty awesome. She was covered in poop, but she's still cool. Sometimes I get so upset, sometimes I don't. When she's cuddling with me at night, that's when I love her most. I constantly battle all kinds of things and thoughts in my head whether it's concerning my kids, my boyfriend, being a stay at home mom, money etc.  It never ends but I'm trying to get a hold on it.  I need to be a little easier on myself. My kids aren't perfect.  I'm not the perfect Mom.  But they're happy(most of the time) and healthy, so I think I'm doing an okay job so far. I know some days I'll wish that I wasn't a Mom, and I'll wish that I had no responsibilities, but I have 2 little miracles in my life. We have a love hate relationship.  I know that my kids don't like me sometimes. But we love each other, and for now, that's good. I guess my goal is to help people to realize that life can be really hard, being a parent is really hard, and yes sometimes it sucks.  No one said it was easy, and whoever does say that, must be high or drunk all the time. When they're at a difficult age I think it's easy to get frustrated. They'll get passed that age though. And until then, there are those moments when they act like they like you, and it's great. When you hear "Momma" and it pulls at your heart. I look forward to when all my chemicals and hormones or whatever are balanced out and I can go back to being myself.  A happy mom who sometimes thinks she's gonna lose it, but makes it through. During those times I'm not usually so hard on myself.  Mostly just when my OCD is really bad. Right now it's so easy to doubt everything I think and feel or to question my self. Sometimes I can't wait for bed time, and I feel horrible saying that.  But sometimes I can't wait to get home so I can see them.  Everyday is different. So anyways.  I'll continue posting things...maybe people will read them and can relate and it helps someone. Thanks.