Where Did I Get Stuck?

Where Did I Get Stuck?

I never seemed to know what I really wanted to do or be when I “grew” up.  In school we took the Career test and mine came back that I should find a job in a creative field.  But lets be honest; unless you’re Celine Dion or Picasso, you’re not really going to get very far.  I feel like those types of people who actually make a living from an artistic career are few and far between, and also, extremely lucky. 

I went through school constantly changing my mind.  First it was astronomy and meteorology.  Then veterinary science and the performing arts.  I loved all things music and was a member of the choir and concert band.  I could never seem to get reading music down though.  It was like there was a mental block preventing me from learning after a certain point.

Eventually I stopped thinking about careers I would like to have and started thinking about careers that would get you places in the world.  I started in college as a Communications major, then switched to Liberal Arts after I realized that I had no interest in the Communications field.  I ended up dropping out before finishing my degree and just recently picked it up last year by working towards my Associates in Business Administration after doing Tourism Management.

Again, I dropped out.  Custody battles, kids, working two jobs and life in general just made it impossible to take a full course load online.  So here I am, sitting at a desk, working as a so called “Office Manager” at an automotive repair shop that specializes in towing and I hate it.  I literally do nothing all day.  Most people would say that sounds amazing, why the hell are you complaining?  Well, I was one of those people and for the first few weeks, it was great.

Three months later and I’m going stir crazy.  I miss having a purpose.  I have a brain that I hardly use.  I have no idea what to do with my life and trying to find another job right now is pointless since I don’t have enough steady experience as an Office Manager to be hired anywhere. 

I guess I’m just sitting here thinking, where did I get stuck?  Of course life happened.  I’m busy in general with three kids, a boyfriend, and a house.  But where did I go?  Where did the woman disappear to that had so many hopes and dreams for her future?

Most of you are probably reading this thinking, “It’s not too late.  Stop complaining and do something about it”.  Well let me first say, I am working on it.  I’m doing research and talking to colleges about what I can do to get my financial aid back.  The problem is, I think, that I’m scared.  Of what, I’m not really sure, but something is definitely holding me back. 

I love my kids and I love being a Mom.  But there’s more to me than that.  I want to have a purpose and feel like I’m working towards something.  I want to be fulfilled.  I feel like I’ve lost my ambition and if I don’t find it soon I’m going to be stuck in a dead end job barely making enough money to get by.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.  There are millions of people out there working their butts off but they’re miserable and are wondering how the hell they got there in the first place.  I’m just voicing it, for me, and for all of you.  This economy and this society makes it hard for us to find our passions nowadays though.  Passions don’t pay the bills or put food on the table.  Something’s gotta give.