Where Did I Get Stuck?

Where Did I Get Stuck?

I never seemed to know what I really wanted to do or be when I “grew” up.  In school we took the Career test and mine came back that I should find a job in a creative field.  But lets be honest; unless you’re Celine Dion or Picasso, you’re not really going to get very far.  I feel like those types of people who actually make a living from an artistic career are few and far between, and also, extremely lucky. 

I went through school constantly changing my mind.  First it was astronomy and meteorology.  Then veterinary science and the performing arts.  I loved all things music and was a member of the choir and concert band.  I could never seem to get reading music down though.  It was like there was a mental block preventing me from learning after a certain point.

Eventually I stopped thinking about careers I would like to have and started thinking about careers that would get you places in the world.  I started in college as a Communications major, then switched to Liberal Arts after I realized that I had no interest in the Communications field.  I ended up dropping out before finishing my degree and just recently picked it up last year by working towards my Associates in Business Administration after doing Tourism Management.

Again, I dropped out.  Custody battles, kids, working two jobs and life in general just made it impossible to take a full course load online.  So here I am, sitting at a desk, working as a so called “Office Manager” at an automotive repair shop that specializes in towing and I hate it.  I literally do nothing all day.  Most people would say that sounds amazing, why the hell are you complaining?  Well, I was one of those people and for the first few weeks, it was great.

Three months later and I’m going stir crazy.  I miss having a purpose.  I have a brain that I hardly use.  I have no idea what to do with my life and trying to find another job right now is pointless since I don’t have enough steady experience as an Office Manager to be hired anywhere. 

I guess I’m just sitting here thinking, where did I get stuck?  Of course life happened.  I’m busy in general with three kids, a boyfriend, and a house.  But where did I go?  Where did the woman disappear to that had so many hopes and dreams for her future?

Most of you are probably reading this thinking, “It’s not too late.  Stop complaining and do something about it”.  Well let me first say, I am working on it.  I’m doing research and talking to colleges about what I can do to get my financial aid back.  The problem is, I think, that I’m scared.  Of what, I’m not really sure, but something is definitely holding me back. 

I love my kids and I love being a Mom.  But there’s more to me than that.  I want to have a purpose and feel like I’m working towards something.  I want to be fulfilled.  I feel like I’ve lost my ambition and if I don’t find it soon I’m going to be stuck in a dead end job barely making enough money to get by.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.  There are millions of people out there working their butts off but they’re miserable and are wondering how the hell they got there in the first place.  I’m just voicing it, for me, and for all of you.  This economy and this society makes it hard for us to find our passions nowadays though.  Passions don’t pay the bills or put food on the table.  Something’s gotta give. 

The Twos

It's official, my 2 year old has entered the "Jerk Phase".  This morning alone after getting her dressed which was a chore in itself, she took off her sweatshirt twice after I told her not to lord knows how many times.  She thought it was hilarious which I think makes me even more annoyed.  Then after doing her hair she pulled the rubber bands out and laughed so she looked like a younger female version of Alfalfa.  After fixing her hair, she immediately started taking the rubber band out again.  I yelled no, grabbed her hand and gave it a little smack.  Not hard.  She finds it funny when I get upset.  She hits her brother and does things to make him mad on purpose.  Maybe it's payback for him doing it to her.  I'm not sure.  Looks like my baby is growing up.

Things have been going pretty good.  I've been on Zoloft for a few months and it definitely seems to be helping.  I've been working out and eating healthy.  Down 12 pounds and feeling better about myself.  I've been going to the gym to run then doing a cardio workout at home when I can't make it to the gym.

My boyfriend is amazing.  He's the sweetest most helpful guy I've ever met.  OCD is trying to ruin it by questioning my feelings for him.  It's called Relationship OCD.  Whenever I'm really happy it tries to ruin it.  It sucks.  I've had it in the past and also with my family members and even my kids.  It's awful.  Luckily, he's also the most understanding guy in the world and does all he can to help me and make me feel better.  I'm so glad that I finally found him and I won't let OCD ruin that for me.

My patience has been pretty bad lately with my kids.  Makes me feel like a crappy Mom. Especially with my oldest.  We argue a lot.  Seems like all I do is yell at them.  It's terrible.  I looked up a few articles on how to improve my patience and implemented some of the strategies last night.  It definitely seemed to work.  I'm going to try my hardest to be the Mom that my kids deserve and need.

I miss food.  Food always makes me feel better.  I wish being fat was cool because I would own at that.

My oldest is starting kindergarten in the fall.  Where the hell has the time gone.  I worry that struggling so much with the OCD in the past has made me miss out on a lot of them growing up.  She has a bacterial infection in her arm from a shot she got at the doctors.  Makes me feel secure about them going to the doctors now....sarcasm.  She's on antibiotics and getting better thank God.

So literally every single day that I pick my kids up from school, my son has a meltdown.  No idea why, when I ask him why he's crying he says he doesn't know.  He doesn't get a nap during the day because he goes back and fourth to his therapy and I think that really gets to him.  It's a pretty miserable ride home and it puts me in a bad mood which makes my patience very thin.  My Mom said she thinks he's hangry.  Very likely could also be why so I'm going to start keeping snacks in the car for them.

I need a vacation, like some far away tropical place where I can sit out on a patio surrounded by palm trees and sip on drinks with little umbrellas in them.

Just kidding, serotonin's a bitch!

So much for thinking that I was slowly beginning to feel better.  Guess I jinxed myself....way to go serotonin and my fat mouth!

I partly blame serotonin due to my lack of it, causing my anxiety and OCD. 

Today blew (sorry for the bluntness) big ass balls. 

My girls decided that they didn't want to sleep last night.  If one wasn't up, the other was.  Mommy didn't get much sleep.  I was planning on getting up around 7:30 since I knew that I would need as much extra sleep as I could.  I gave the kids their tablets and they played for what was apparently much longer than I had intended since my body thought it needed to sleep until 9.  9AM!  When the hell was the last time that I slept in that damn long. 

I woke up and freaked out.  I was supposed to have an interview this morning at 10:15 in the city and realizing I wouldn't have time to make it and I looked like a dead person, I started to panic.  As I slowly started accepting the inevitable the people called and asked to reschedule, thank God. I still needed to have my kids to their school by 10:45 at the absolute latest, this being because my son is picked up from there and bussed to his other school about a 1/2 hour away for his therapy. 

For some stupid reason I decided that I need to trim my hair this morning, and lord knows that I can't just make it a "quick" trim because I'm a damn perfectionist when it comes to certain things, it took longer than anticipated.  During this time I had to keep going out and yelling at my kids for beating each other up.  By the time I finally got in the shower it was 10.  I then needed to get dressed, do my hair, enough make up to cover up the bags under my eyes and get my kids ready.  Getting my kids ready entails getting them all changed, socks and shoes on, fixing their hair since I REFUSE to be that parent that sends my kids to school looking like they were electrocuted.  I then have to pack my sons lunch, get their coats and hats on, yell some more while they fight about who gets to go out the door first then herd them into the van.  Then there's getting them in their seats and buckled while my two oldest fight about which seat is whose and my oldest doesn't know how to buckle her seat belt even though she does it every. single. damn. day while my youngest asks for chee (cheese).  Luckily today wasn't one of the days when I had to grab my son by the hood of his coat right before he ran into the street while holding my youngest in my other arm.  I never realized how good I was at multitasking until I became a Mom!

I glanced at the clock and nearly had a panic attack when I realized that it was 10:37.  My kids school is 10 minutes away and I was never going to make it.  Bring on the flood of panic and racing thoughts.  How was I going to do this.  I had to be at work by 12.  My son has to be at his school for therapy by 12 which is 20 minutes the complete opposite way.  Still needed to stop for gas and drop my girls off at their school.  I usually try to get to work a bit early so I can eat a salad so I'm not starving and stuffing my face with whatever fits in my hands.  Wouldn't have time this morning, so I grabbed some hard boiled eggs and an orange.  Heading out, I started peeling an egg at a stoplight, of course the egg wasn't being a douche and thought it was funny to pull off giant chunks of the egg with it's shell.  I about threw the egg at the windshield and said screw this.  I was on the verge of losing my sanity so all I could think was stop and get something disgusting for me that will make me feel better.

I have an eating issue.  I've realized this for a while.  Eating seems to be what I do to make myself feel better in all situations.  When I'm happy, sad, upset whatever, I eat.  So, we hit up Dunkin Donuts and I got a breakfast burrito and a frozen coffee and some munchkins for the kids.  While driving to my sons school I looked at the time and realized that it was almost 12, and I might not have my girls to school in time for them to eat lunch.  Stopped and got gas, tried getting $20 worth but since I can't seem to get anything right, ever, I of course stopped at $20.01.  I got to my sons school and waited a few minutes until I could bring him in, spending those few minutes having a complete meltdown reliving the morning and how I took out all of my anger and anxiety on my kids and feeling like the worst parent in the world. 

It's pretty amazing how much a person can dislike themselves.  It sounds awful, I know.  But my kids are still babies.  It's not their fault we were running late, it was mine.  They were just acting the way they always do, I just couldn't deal with it the way I should have because I was pissed off and mad at myself.  It's unfair and I still feel terrible about it 10 hours later.

I raced back, stopped at McDonalds to get the girls lunch (yes I know, so healthy, mom of the year) and got them to school and hugged them both as hard as I could and whispered how sorry I was for having such a terrible morning.

I spend the next few minutes on the phone sobbing while talking to my Mom.  Thanks Mom by the way for always being there for me when I'm completely nuts. 

Conclusion?  I called my psychiatrist and practically begged him to put me back on the something.  Honestly, I'd rather be overweight than spend every morning like this.  It's just not worth it, and I pray everyday that my kids are young enough that they won't remember me this way. 

So, if you're having a bad day....just remember....you're not alone.  A lot of my days are rough like this.  No one tells you about days like these.  Everyone loves talking about all the good parts of parenting and believe me, there's a lot of good.  But, there's also a lot of bad.  It's not easy.  It's hard, every single day.  Good days, bad days, good weeks, bad months.  It's up and down.  It's bipolar. 

I'm sorry if you're sitting there reading this thinking how terrible of a person I am.  But I'm here to be honest.  That's what the whole idea of my blog is about.  Honesty.  Because I know, for a fact, that I'm not the only Mom out there who goes through this.  So for you, that Mom who is sitting there, feeling alone, just remember you're not.  I'm just like you. 

Unmedicated Motherhood

I have a goal.  Eventually I want to become a professional blogger.  I know how difficult it is but I think with my life and my story, I can actually reach people in a different way. 

Since starting my blog back up last year, my posts have been very random.  I'm going to start writing at least twice a week, probably more since writing tends to be very therapeutic. 

Here's an update.  I quit my fulltime job so I'm just serving/bartending at the restaurant now.  I'm not with the other guy anymore....he ended up being just like my ex...ew.  Luckily it didn't take me as long to realize it!  I'm seeing a guy I met at my old job.  He's quite incredible and I'm terrified to jinx it so I'm not going to say anymore.

I stopped taking all prescribed meds about 3 weeks ago.  Since starting Prozac, I gained 15 pounds.  I was also at a job that went from being very enjoyable to being extremely stressful and anxiety provoking.  Gaining the weight was causing me to be depressed.  I tried exercising and eating healthy for a few weeks and nothing happened.  I couldn't lose the weight.  I spend a few weeks doing some research on all natural supplements and vitamins that could help me in the same way as prescribed meds and came across a few options.  After speaking with my psychiatrist, he confirmed that I wouldn't lose the weight while on medication, and since my OCD seemed to have been under control, he wanted to try me off of it for a while and thought trying the natural supplements was a good idea.

So here I am, 3 weeks later, taking 900mg of St Johns Wort, 3 vitamin B and C stress formula tablets, 1440mg of DHA Omega-3 Fish Oil, 250mg of Magnesium, 1000iu of Vitamin D3, 65mg of Iron, and 2 tablespoons of Apple Cider Vinegar.  All of this is a combination to help with anxiety, depression and to aid in weight loss.  I've started working out again and eating healthy.  When I say healthy, I mean lots of veggies (mostly green), protein, healthy carbs, healthy fats.  Apple Cider Vinegar not only helps balance out your bodies PH levels but it also aids in weight loss by curbing your appetite.  Lucky for me (complete and utter sarcasm) shark week arrived on Sunday.  If you're not quick witted enough to figure out what shark week is, just think...blood in the water...rip your face off....sorry for the visual!  So that being said, it's been difficult with the healthy eating part and also the added stress and anxiety and irritability.  I was diagnosed with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) which is basically PMS x 100000000000.  The Prozac was also prescribed to me for that, so being off of it has made the PMDD pretty bad.  Food has been my stress relief and my friend.  Luckily it gets better a few days in so I'm finally slowly feeling better. 

Now....I'm pretty sure I terrified a complete stranger this afternoon who was trying to enjoy a nice late day jog.   After going back and fourth with number 2 who didn't want to leave the bottom step of the porch, number 3 decided to start arguing with me about leaving her 2-hour-old milkshake in my friends house.  I told her it was gone and she proceeded to argue with me about how it wasn't then jump from 4 years old to 15 and throw attitude at me.  I was already irritated so I snapped and yelled at her, just as the poor gentleman was running by.  Pretty sure I heard him poop himself a bit.  As I wrestled number 2 into the car I pondered the idea of the man calling CPS on me.  Alas, he did not and we were on our merry way back home. 

I swear to all things holy, Motherhood is just being a constant referee.  It seems like all you do is yell and argue.  After a few minutes you realize how ridiculous you must look from the outside, standing there, arms flailing, arguing with a 3 or 4 year old about not picking your nose.  My kids fight, constantly.  My parents bought the kids all their own little personalized chairs for Christmas, great idea right?  They're adorable and cute, right from Pottery Barn Kid.  Unfortunately, whenever one of them is sitting in one, the other two absolutely need that same chair, or else the world will come crashing down around them.  Cue the wrestling match. 

I've gotten good at reading cries.  Let me explain.  Every one of my kids has a specific cry for whatever is going on.  They have the whining cry when they don't get their way, probably the most annoying thing in existence.  Makes me want to scratch my ears off my head.  There's the fake cry, this one is the most pathetic and I usually have to hide my face since I'm laughing so hard, it's quite pathetic looking.  There's the fleeting injury cry, this is when there really isn't an injury, more like one of the kids smacked the other or pushed them and they're mad and want to get each other in trouble.  I usually ignore this cry unless it turns into the next one I'll mention....The heart stopping cry.  This is when they have trouble breathing because they're crying so hard.  That's when you run because you know something is wrong. 

Luckily tonight wasn't too bad.  A couple fleeting injury cries and fake cries.  Those are what most of our evenings are made up of.  And fun times putting the kids to bed.  My oldest is the worst.  I swear she has a list of excuses hidden under pillow.  She comes up with the most random crap.  It's annoying as hell but quite interesting at the same time, that's when her imagination really shines!

I think I'll wrap this up and call it a night.

The last few weeks have been rough.  My patience has been very thin and it shows.  It makes me feel very guilty.  Everyone tells me it's normal and everyone has rough times with there kids.  Because of my OCD and Anxiety it just always hits me a bit harder.  My OCD girls know what I'm talking about! 

Ever Changing

Hey guys.  So it's been a few days since I posted, and as usual, lots of changes, again.  The guy I was seeing that dumped me, we're trying again.  After telling me how sorry he was and how he made a huge mistake and would do anything to prove how much he cared, I decided to give it another shot.  After all, I do care about him a lot.  I really hope I don't regret it this time.  I don't want to start over again.  I'm ready to be settled.  So much stress and ups and downs in my life that I need some kind of stability.  Whether that be at home (won't happen, 3 kids, duh), work (haha, another good laugh) or my relationships....ehhhh maybe.

Why are people so untrustworthy these days?  I'm not perfect but I try to be as honest as I can.  I just don't understand how people can be so two-faced.

Things have been a difficult lately with the kids, mainly my oldest.  She's almost 5 going on 15 and boy does she act like it.  I feel like I spend all my time yelling at her.  Everyone says that at this age that's really about what you do...but that doesn't make it any less difficult.  She's always arguing with me or talking back, she's stubborn.  I just feel awful.  It's easier to deal with the two younger ones because they don't argue back, at least not as much.  I don't want her earliest memories of me to be me yelling at her.
For example:  this morning, EVERY morning this happens by the way.  She'll get up, get in bed with me and play on my phone or the tablet for a while so I can get ready.  As soon as i'm done and want to get them dressed she starts and taking off her pajamas and has to go potty....EVERY morning....so I tell her to hurry up and go.  So she comes out, and I go to help her put on her underwear, and I tell her she has toilet paper stuck to her butt....so what does she do?  She pulls it off and throws it on the floor,....so I flip out....it could pee or poop on it or who knows!  So I yell at her and she goes, Why are you so mean to me.  It broke my frickin heart.  I felt awful.  So I said, do we throw toilet paper on the floor?  And she goes, no, so I say, ok that's why mommy got upset especially since it just CAME OFF YOUR BUTT!

So, Mommy fail.  I'm a germophobe so that stuff freaks me out.  I'm a jerk.

My youngest thought it was a good idea to poop as soon as we got in the car....sorry to the daycare teachers :(

A guy just rode by on a bike with his buttcrack sticking out...sorry, just had to throw that in there.

I know I'm going to have good days and bad days when it comes to parenting.  I just hate how the bad days seem so much more prominent.

It's going to be a long weekend....kids are gone until Thanksgiving which sucks...the boyfriend is hunting all weekend...so I'm working....Alll....Weekend....guess it's good....always can use the moneys.  Have to drive the kids an hour and a half up to their father tonight...

I need a drink....

Hello Again!

Surprise!  Bet you didn't think I'd be back.  Life has changed drastically and I'm doing this thing we call "Mommying" all on my own now.  That's right, I'm a single mom of 3!

Last August is when this started.  I left my children's father after years of verbal and mental abuse.  I realized that I didn't want my children to think that our relationship was "normal".

So, I've started over!  After months of staying with my parents, struggling with money and trying to find a job, and months and months of court hearings and custody battles things have finally settled.  My ex did everything he could to make me look like a terrible dangerous person.  But, he finally settled in September after we said he wouldn't have to pay child support.  So, he's paying me $200 a month,  which I haven't received anything yet, so that my kids can live with me Monday to Friday and every other weekend, and live in a safe and nice place and go to a great school.  I'm working full time as an Office Manager at an Auto Repair shop and I love every minute of it.  I also works weekends at a restaurant and take three college courses online.  My son who has had speech issues and a learning disorder is attending a special preschool 5 days a week and has shown amazing improvement.

Personally, things have been kind of rough.  That's why I decided to get back on here.  I'm on a path of self discovery, and I thought, what better way to keep track of my life than with this blog.  I honestly thought that I had deleted it.  I went to make a new account and it said it already existed, lo and behold, I found my blog from 2 years ago that got me through some of the darkest times of my life.

I've been dating off and on, found a few guys that I thought were promising but they ended up being exactly the way I expected.  I trust people way too much.  I'm starting to realize that the guy that I want to find doesn't exist.  Men are basically all the same.  I feel like the song Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble is an ode to my life.  I'm not looking for someone to raise my kids, I'm not looking for someone to replace their father, because their father should always be in their life.  I just want companionship and someone to support me emotionally.  After I get the kids to bed at night, I either sit on the couch or lay in bed alone in the quiet.  The quiet is nice, but it's almost too quiet.  I want someone to lay next to and talk about the day.  I want someone who isn't going to change when things get hard.  Guess I'll just have to put that on the back burner for now.  

As far as my OCD goes, it's improved in so many ways.  After leaving my ex, I immediately started improving.  I've been seeing a therapist who is mainly helping me with self confidence and trying to help me figure out why I get stuck in horrible relationships with narcissists.  My OCD has been under control.  I'm really doing this, and all by myself.

Needless to say, life is hard.  It's chaotic and busy and loud and obnoxious but I wouldn't change it.  There are times I wish it were easier, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this alone which not a lot of people would be able to do.

The kids and I have our own house now.  We have our own place, our own safe haven.  It's usually a disaster area, I won't lie.  My kids are tiny tornados leaving paths of destruction behind them.  It's three to one and I can barely keep up most of the time.  There's a pile of laundry in front of my washer and I'm pretty sure the load that's in there now has been restarted about 3 times.  My house isn't dirty or filthy, that I don't like.  But it's a mess.  Most of the time I'm just too damn tired to clean up after the kids go to bed or I have a homework assignment that I have to do.

So....here I am.  On a path of self discovery.  I've lost myself over the years with so much going on.  I think it's about time I find myself again.  So I'm starting now, in front of you all.  Here I am, exposed, raw and telling the world about how imperfect I am.  But that's ok.  I'm a beautiful mess (most of the time).  Today is day one.  Stay tuned for more daily updates of my life and some GREAT stories about my kids, because I guarantee, a day does NOT go by without something happening in my house!  You want to feel normal?  Keep reading my blogs!

Here we go...Hi everyone.  I'm a 27 year old stay-at-home mom of 2 with another on the way. I decided to start a blog to share my struggles through my life with OCD and Anxiety disorder. My hope is that if this reaches enough people, maybe mental illnesses won't be so misunderstood or looked down upon anymore. OCD is a very misunderstood illness. The anxiety just makes it worse, like your insides are on fire or you're going to throw up or something like that. Anyways...my OCD has been around for as long as I can remember. I have "intrusive thoughts".  These thoughts are usually violent or harmful and are usually always about the people I care about most. When I was little, I can remember watching CSI and a thought popped into my head about violently hurting my Mom.  I was terrified.  I thought I was crazy or I was becoming a killer. It continued on throughout my younger years, accompanied with compulsive hand washing and constant fear of germs or contracting illnesses.  I wasn't even sexually active but was constantly afraid I was pregnant.  It sucked.... My childhood was kind of rough.  My parents divorced when I was 3 and I took it really hard.  My mom says that she saw me change the day it happened.  I was no longer myself and was just kind of there but not there. I was sad. I felt guilty about everything I did, no matter how big or how small. I felt guilty about the things I thought even though I didn't want to think certain things. I constantly was looking for confidence in my Mom about anything I felt guilty about. Confiding would make me feel better. When I was in my early 20's, my OCD turned randomly after a counseling appointment to a girl I had gone to school with. We were very good friends for a while, then I was having weird feelings, like I was afraid she was gay and that I was attracted to her and maybe I was gay and blah blah.... I felt terrible for being mean to her and I thought I ruined her life by making everyone else believe that she was "weird". So I was constantly thinking about her, not understanding if it was because I was attracted to her, or if I felt bad for her or guilty for my childhood torment. Another symptom of OCD is questioning your sexuality. So I was constantly asking myself, am I thinking about her because I think I should be with her? My mind always goes to the worst possible scenario, no matter what the situation is. I did apologize to her.  I randomly messaged her on Facebook and confided all this to her about how I was having these thoughts and how I was sorry for being mean to her. Anyways, she forgave me and eventually my mind shifted to something else and now I know that it's the random OCD that picks random things. Next, it was a guy I worked with. I had a random thought about dating him and it was stuck in my head.  Was I supposed to be with him? Did I like him? It was the same thing.  I was with my current boyfriend and father of all my kids and I felt guilty for having these thoughts. When I was pregnant with our daughter, our 1st. I was having bad anxiety and thoughts about suicide. If you don't know, pregnancy can make OCD much worse, which is has for me, every time. So I had our daughter. I was afraid that I didn't feel the way new moms were supposed to feel when they hold their baby for the first time. I cried, yes.  But I question if I cried because I was overwhelmed with emotions, or because I was scared shitless. I like to think it was a little of both. I had post partum for a while and then got pregnant with our 2nd, my son, when my daughter was only 7 months old.  None of our children have been planned. So during post partum, I was having thoughts of hurting my daughter.  Horrible thoughts.  They terrified me and they were so frequent and strong and the anxiety was so bad that I was terrified of myself. Now, I'm pregnant with our 3rd, not sure if a boy or girl yet, and having horrible OCD that's kind of fluctuating. First, it was that I was a terrible mom because I spanked my daughter.  Any comment someone makes, or anything I hear, can be a thought that's turned against myself. Yes, I spank my daughter.  Not so much anymore unless she's being REALLY bad. But I did spank her.  I didn't beat her, I was always afraid I did....but I didn't. Did I get really mad and smack her butt a few times? Yup.  But I never did more than that. She's not potty trained yet.  So I feel guilty for that.  That i'm not constantly trying to get her to go on the potty. She's almost 2 1/2. I wasn't too worried about it until usually my family, says something and makes me start to think. So I think I'm a terrible mom.  Because my daughter isn't potty trained, because she walks around in a diaper, sometimes all day, depending on if we go outside or not and the temperature, that she has grilled cheese for lunch almost everyday because she's picky and won't eat much else, and that mac and cheese is her favorite dinner. Does she randomly eat other things? Yes, but very randomly. I'm not a perfect mom.  I know that.  I'm always hard on myself and I always will be.  No matter if it's the OCD or not. So having these intrusive thoughts about my daughter were so scary.  The OCD made me doubt myself so much and wonder if it was actually me really thinking these horrible things or if it was the OCD.  So I bought this book, called "The OCD Workbook", and it's been a godsend. I can hear as many people as there are on earth tell me that it's not me and it's just a chemical imbalance, but actually reading it in a book published by professional psychiatrists definitely makes me feel better. Also, this book stated that people with OCD do not act on these thoughts.  And it's usually the complete opposite of how they really feel. I love my daughter.  Does she drive me nuts? YES.  Do I miss when I was a responsible free woman, able to do whatever whenever I wanted? YES. But I made the decision to have children. I don't think I regret it. I tell myself I don't, but OCD is the doubting disease. I constantly have to seek reassurance from people that what I'm telling myself is true. I love my kids. My daughter is in the terrible twos.  She doesn't always act like a snot, but when she does, I about lose my mind.  She's very smart for her age, and she knows it.  She knows every button to press. My son is now mobile so I'm chasing around 2 kids instead of one.  Add on the OCD, anxiety and pregnancy hormones and I'm a freakin wack job. One minute I love everyone, next minute I don't want anyone touching me. This morning I got my daughter all dressed and ready to go and did her hair all pretty.  She takes the headband and pulls it down to cover her eyes (she thinks it's funny, it is cute, when i'm in the mood for it), but I wasn't in the mood. So she ruined her hair, and i was annoyed....and i looked at her and thought to myself, "I hate you". And I felt terrible.  Horrible. A terrible horrible mother.  Who thinks those things about their kids?  So naturally, I text everyone I know with kids, and they all say the same thing, everyone feels like that sometimes.  I don't hate her, I hate the things she does sometimes or the way she acts.  Then I feel guilty for feeling any type of frustration towards her because she's 2. I feel the same way about my boyfriend sometimes.  You know the Pink song, I hate you but I love you?  Yah that's it.  I get so mad at him sometimes and I want to punch him.  But he's overall a good guy and a good dad. He works hard and I don't give him very much credit.  I'm extremely hormonal right now so everything upsets me 100% more than normal and I'm normally a VERY over dramatic person.  So anyways, right now, I'm battling with the thought that I don't like, or love my own child. I'm just trying to remember what my workbook said, that your thoughts are usually the opposite of what you really feel.  I love my daughter but she stresses me out. I don't have to like her all the time.  I'm pretty sure my parents didn't and probably still don't like me all the time. I was and am a pain in the ass...I know that. So I'm constantly battling myself in my mind. OCD is a bitch and it tries to pull you in the worst directions.  It wants to break you and make you feel like complete crap which it definitely does to me sometimes.  I'm currently on Prozac and have been for about 2 1/2 weeks now.  The doctors say it usually takes about a month to kick in, great....so I'm just sitting here waiting....I have my "take as needed" anxiety pills, but I try not to take them unless I really need them. I'm trying to drink Chamomile tea because it's supposed to be good for stress.  And right now, my daughter is double fisting two sippy cups and it's awesome.  The other day, she pooped and took it out of her diaper and was playing with it....while I was wiping her hands off I looked at her and thought, she's pretty awesome. She was covered in poop, but she's still cool. Sometimes I get so upset, sometimes I don't. When she's cuddling with me at night, that's when I love her most. I constantly battle all kinds of things and thoughts in my head whether it's concerning my kids, my boyfriend, being a stay at home mom, money etc.  It never ends but I'm trying to get a hold on it.  I need to be a little easier on myself. My kids aren't perfect.  I'm not the perfect Mom.  But they're happy(most of the time) and healthy, so I think I'm doing an okay job so far. I know some days I'll wish that I wasn't a Mom, and I'll wish that I had no responsibilities, but I have 2 little miracles in my life. We have a love hate relationship.  I know that my kids don't like me sometimes. But we love each other, and for now, that's good. I guess my goal is to help people to realize that life can be really hard, being a parent is really hard, and yes sometimes it sucks.  No one said it was easy, and whoever does say that, must be high or drunk all the time. When they're at a difficult age I think it's easy to get frustrated. They'll get passed that age though. And until then, there are those moments when they act like they like you, and it's great. When you hear "Momma" and it pulls at your heart. I look forward to when all my chemicals and hormones or whatever are balanced out and I can go back to being myself.  A happy mom who sometimes thinks she's gonna lose it, but makes it through. During those times I'm not usually so hard on myself.  Mostly just when my OCD is really bad. Right now it's so easy to doubt everything I think and feel or to question my self. Sometimes I can't wait for bed time, and I feel horrible saying that.  But sometimes I can't wait to get home so I can see them.  Everyday is different. So anyways.  I'll continue posting things...maybe people will read them and can relate and it helps someone. Thanks.