Where Did I Get Stuck?

Where Did I Get Stuck?

I never seemed to know what I really wanted to do or be when I “grew” up.  In school we took the Career test and mine came back that I should find a job in a creative field.  But lets be honest; unless you’re Celine Dion or Picasso, you’re not really going to get very far.  I feel like those types of people who actually make a living from an artistic career are few and far between, and also, extremely lucky. 

I went through school constantly changing my mind.  First it was astronomy and meteorology.  Then veterinary science and the performing arts.  I loved all things music and was a member of the choir and concert band.  I could never seem to get reading music down though.  It was like there was a mental block preventing me from learning after a certain point.

Eventually I stopped thinking about careers I would like to have and started thinking about careers that would get you places in the world.  I started in college as a Communications major, then switched to Liberal Arts after I realized that I had no interest in the Communications field.  I ended up dropping out before finishing my degree and just recently picked it up last year by working towards my Associates in Business Administration after doing Tourism Management.

Again, I dropped out.  Custody battles, kids, working two jobs and life in general just made it impossible to take a full course load online.  So here I am, sitting at a desk, working as a so called “Office Manager” at an automotive repair shop that specializes in towing and I hate it.  I literally do nothing all day.  Most people would say that sounds amazing, why the hell are you complaining?  Well, I was one of those people and for the first few weeks, it was great.

Three months later and I’m going stir crazy.  I miss having a purpose.  I have a brain that I hardly use.  I have no idea what to do with my life and trying to find another job right now is pointless since I don’t have enough steady experience as an Office Manager to be hired anywhere. 

I guess I’m just sitting here thinking, where did I get stuck?  Of course life happened.  I’m busy in general with three kids, a boyfriend, and a house.  But where did I go?  Where did the woman disappear to that had so many hopes and dreams for her future?

Most of you are probably reading this thinking, “It’s not too late.  Stop complaining and do something about it”.  Well let me first say, I am working on it.  I’m doing research and talking to colleges about what I can do to get my financial aid back.  The problem is, I think, that I’m scared.  Of what, I’m not really sure, but something is definitely holding me back. 

I love my kids and I love being a Mom.  But there’s more to me than that.  I want to have a purpose and feel like I’m working towards something.  I want to be fulfilled.  I feel like I’ve lost my ambition and if I don’t find it soon I’m going to be stuck in a dead end job barely making enough money to get by.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.  There are millions of people out there working their butts off but they’re miserable and are wondering how the hell they got there in the first place.  I’m just voicing it, for me, and for all of you.  This economy and this society makes it hard for us to find our passions nowadays though.  Passions don’t pay the bills or put food on the table.  Something’s gotta give. 

The Twos

It's official, my 2 year old has entered the "Jerk Phase".  This morning alone after getting her dressed which was a chore in itself, she took off her sweatshirt twice after I told her not to lord knows how many times.  She thought it was hilarious which I think makes me even more annoyed.  Then after doing her hair she pulled the rubber bands out and laughed so she looked like a younger female version of Alfalfa.  After fixing her hair, she immediately started taking the rubber band out again.  I yelled no, grabbed her hand and gave it a little smack.  Not hard.  She finds it funny when I get upset.  She hits her brother and does things to make him mad on purpose.  Maybe it's payback for him doing it to her.  I'm not sure.  Looks like my baby is growing up.

Things have been going pretty good.  I've been on Zoloft for a few months and it definitely seems to be helping.  I've been working out and eating healthy.  Down 12 pounds and feeling better about myself.  I've been going to the gym to run then doing a cardio workout at home when I can't make it to the gym.

My boyfriend is amazing.  He's the sweetest most helpful guy I've ever met.  OCD is trying to ruin it by questioning my feelings for him.  It's called Relationship OCD.  Whenever I'm really happy it tries to ruin it.  It sucks.  I've had it in the past and also with my family members and even my kids.  It's awful.  Luckily, he's also the most understanding guy in the world and does all he can to help me and make me feel better.  I'm so glad that I finally found him and I won't let OCD ruin that for me.

My patience has been pretty bad lately with my kids.  Makes me feel like a crappy Mom. Especially with my oldest.  We argue a lot.  Seems like all I do is yell at them.  It's terrible.  I looked up a few articles on how to improve my patience and implemented some of the strategies last night.  It definitely seemed to work.  I'm going to try my hardest to be the Mom that my kids deserve and need.

I miss food.  Food always makes me feel better.  I wish being fat was cool because I would own at that.

My oldest is starting kindergarten in the fall.  Where the hell has the time gone.  I worry that struggling so much with the OCD in the past has made me miss out on a lot of them growing up.  She has a bacterial infection in her arm from a shot she got at the doctors.  Makes me feel secure about them going to the doctors now....sarcasm.  She's on antibiotics and getting better thank God.

So literally every single day that I pick my kids up from school, my son has a meltdown.  No idea why, when I ask him why he's crying he says he doesn't know.  He doesn't get a nap during the day because he goes back and fourth to his therapy and I think that really gets to him.  It's a pretty miserable ride home and it puts me in a bad mood which makes my patience very thin.  My Mom said she thinks he's hangry.  Very likely could also be why so I'm going to start keeping snacks in the car for them.

I need a vacation, like some far away tropical place where I can sit out on a patio surrounded by palm trees and sip on drinks with little umbrellas in them.