Friday, November 18, 2016

Ever Changing

Hey guys.  So it's been a few days since I posted, and as usual, lots of changes, again.  The guy I was seeing that dumped me, we're trying again.  After telling me how sorry he was and how he made a huge mistake and would do anything to prove how much he cared, I decided to give it another shot.  After all, I do care about him a lot.  I really hope I don't regret it this time.  I don't want to start over again.  I'm ready to be settled.  So much stress and ups and downs in my life that I need some kind of stability.  Whether that be at home (won't happen, 3 kids, duh), work (haha, another good laugh) or my relationships....ehhhh maybe.

Why are people so untrustworthy these days?  I'm not perfect but I try to be as honest as I can.  I just don't understand how people can be so two-faced.

Things have been a difficult lately with the kids, mainly my oldest.  She's almost 5 going on 15 and boy does she act like it.  I feel like I spend all my time yelling at her.  Everyone says that at this age that's really about what you do...but that doesn't make it any less difficult.  She's always arguing with me or talking back, she's stubborn.  I just feel awful.  It's easier to deal with the two younger ones because they don't argue back, at least not as much.  I don't want her earliest memories of me to be me yelling at her.
For example:  this morning, EVERY morning this happens by the way.  She'll get up, get in bed with me and play on my phone or the tablet for a while so I can get ready.  As soon as i'm done and want to get them dressed she starts and taking off her pajamas and has to go potty....EVERY morning....so I tell her to hurry up and go.  So she comes out, and I go to help her put on her underwear, and I tell her she has toilet paper stuck to her butt....so what does she do?  She pulls it off and throws it on the floor,....so I flip out....it could pee or poop on it or who knows!  So I yell at her and she goes, Why are you so mean to me.  It broke my frickin heart.  I felt awful.  So I said, do we throw toilet paper on the floor?  And she goes, no, so I say, ok that's why mommy got upset especially since it just CAME OFF YOUR BUTT!

So, Mommy fail.  I'm a germophobe so that stuff freaks me out.  I'm a jerk.

My youngest thought it was a good idea to poop as soon as we got in the car....sorry to the daycare teachers :(

A guy just rode by on a bike with his buttcrack sticking out...sorry, just had to throw that in there.

I know I'm going to have good days and bad days when it comes to parenting.  I just hate how the bad days seem so much more prominent.

It's going to be a long weekend....kids are gone until Thanksgiving which sucks...the boyfriend is hunting all weekend...so I'm working....Alll....Weekend....guess it's good....always can use the moneys.  Have to drive the kids an hour and a half up to their father tonight...

I need a drink....

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Hello Again!

Surprise!  Bet you didn't think I'd be back.  Life has changed drastically and I'm doing this thing we call "Mommying" all on my own now.  That's right, I'm a single mom of 3!

Last August is when this started.  I left my children's father after years of verbal and mental abuse.  I realized that I didn't want my children to think that our relationship was "normal".

So, I've started over!  After months of staying with my parents, struggling with money and trying to find a job, and months and months of court hearings and custody battles things have finally settled.  My ex did everything he could to make me look like a terrible dangerous person.  But, he finally settled in September after we said he wouldn't have to pay child support.  So, he's paying me $200 a month,  which I haven't received anything yet, so that my kids can live with me Monday to Friday and every other weekend, and live in a safe and nice place and go to a great school.  I'm working full time as an Office Manager at an Auto Repair shop and I love every minute of it.  I also works weekends at a restaurant and take three college courses online.  My son who has had speech issues and a learning disorder is attending a special preschool 5 days a week and has shown amazing improvement.

Personally, things have been kind of rough.  That's why I decided to get back on here.  I'm on a path of self discovery, and I thought, what better way to keep track of my life than with this blog.  I honestly thought that I had deleted it.  I went to make a new account and it said it already existed, lo and behold, I found my blog from 2 years ago that got me through some of the darkest times of my life.

I've been dating off and on, found a few guys that I thought were promising but they ended up being exactly the way I expected.  I trust people way too much.  I'm starting to realize that the guy that I want to find doesn't exist.  Men are basically all the same.  I feel like the song Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble is an ode to my life.  I'm not looking for someone to raise my kids, I'm not looking for someone to replace their father, because their father should always be in their life.  I just want companionship and someone to support me emotionally.  After I get the kids to bed at night, I either sit on the couch or lay in bed alone in the quiet.  The quiet is nice, but it's almost too quiet.  I want someone to lay next to and talk about the day.  I want someone who isn't going to change when things get hard.  Guess I'll just have to put that on the back burner for now.  

As far as my OCD goes, it's improved in so many ways.  After leaving my ex, I immediately started improving.  I've been seeing a therapist who is mainly helping me with self confidence and trying to help me figure out why I get stuck in horrible relationships with narcissists.  My OCD has been under control.  I'm really doing this, and all by myself.

Needless to say, life is hard.  It's chaotic and busy and loud and obnoxious but I wouldn't change it.  There are times I wish it were easier, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this alone which not a lot of people would be able to do.

The kids and I have our own house now.  We have our own place, our own safe haven.  It's usually a disaster area, I won't lie.  My kids are tiny tornados leaving paths of destruction behind them.  It's three to one and I can barely keep up most of the time.  There's a pile of laundry in front of my washer and I'm pretty sure the load that's in there now has been restarted about 3 times.  My house isn't dirty or filthy, that I don't like.  But it's a mess.  Most of the time I'm just too damn tired to clean up after the kids go to bed or I have a homework assignment that I have to do.

So....here I am.  On a path of self discovery.  I've lost myself over the years with so much going on.  I think it's about time I find myself again.  So I'm starting now, in front of you all.  Here I am, exposed, raw and telling the world about how imperfect I am.  But that's ok.  I'm a beautiful mess (most of the time).  Today is day one.  Stay tuned for more daily updates of my life and some GREAT stories about my kids, because I guarantee, a day does NOT go by without something happening in my house!  You want to feel normal?  Keep reading my blogs!