Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Just kidding, serotonin's a bitch!

So much for thinking that I was slowly beginning to feel better.  Guess I jinxed myself....way to go serotonin and my fat mouth!

I partly blame serotonin due to my lack of it, causing my anxiety and OCD. 

Today blew (sorry for the bluntness) big ass balls. 

My girls decided that they didn't want to sleep last night.  If one wasn't up, the other was.  Mommy didn't get much sleep.  I was planning on getting up around 7:30 since I knew that I would need as much extra sleep as I could.  I gave the kids their tablets and they played for what was apparently much longer than I had intended since my body thought it needed to sleep until 9.  9AM!  When the hell was the last time that I slept in that damn long. 

I woke up and freaked out.  I was supposed to have an interview this morning at 10:15 in the city and realizing I wouldn't have time to make it and I looked like a dead person, I started to panic.  As I slowly started accepting the inevitable the people called and asked to reschedule, thank God. I still needed to have my kids to their school by 10:45 at the absolute latest, this being because my son is picked up from there and bussed to his other school about a 1/2 hour away for his therapy. 

For some stupid reason I decided that I need to trim my hair this morning, and lord knows that I can't just make it a "quick" trim because I'm a damn perfectionist when it comes to certain things, it took longer than anticipated.  During this time I had to keep going out and yelling at my kids for beating each other up.  By the time I finally got in the shower it was 10.  I then needed to get dressed, do my hair, enough make up to cover up the bags under my eyes and get my kids ready.  Getting my kids ready entails getting them all changed, socks and shoes on, fixing their hair since I REFUSE to be that parent that sends my kids to school looking like they were electrocuted.  I then have to pack my sons lunch, get their coats and hats on, yell some more while they fight about who gets to go out the door first then herd them into the van.  Then there's getting them in their seats and buckled while my two oldest fight about which seat is whose and my oldest doesn't know how to buckle her seat belt even though she does it every. single. damn. day while my youngest asks for chee (cheese).  Luckily today wasn't one of the days when I had to grab my son by the hood of his coat right before he ran into the street while holding my youngest in my other arm.  I never realized how good I was at multitasking until I became a Mom!

I glanced at the clock and nearly had a panic attack when I realized that it was 10:37.  My kids school is 10 minutes away and I was never going to make it.  Bring on the flood of panic and racing thoughts.  How was I going to do this.  I had to be at work by 12.  My son has to be at his school for therapy by 12 which is 20 minutes the complete opposite way.  Still needed to stop for gas and drop my girls off at their school.  I usually try to get to work a bit early so I can eat a salad so I'm not starving and stuffing my face with whatever fits in my hands.  Wouldn't have time this morning, so I grabbed some hard boiled eggs and an orange.  Heading out, I started peeling an egg at a stoplight, of course the egg wasn't being a douche and thought it was funny to pull off giant chunks of the egg with it's shell.  I about threw the egg at the windshield and said screw this.  I was on the verge of losing my sanity so all I could think was stop and get something disgusting for me that will make me feel better.

I have an eating issue.  I've realized this for a while.  Eating seems to be what I do to make myself feel better in all situations.  When I'm happy, sad, upset whatever, I eat.  So, we hit up Dunkin Donuts and I got a breakfast burrito and a frozen coffee and some munchkins for the kids.  While driving to my sons school I looked at the time and realized that it was almost 12, and I might not have my girls to school in time for them to eat lunch.  Stopped and got gas, tried getting $20 worth but since I can't seem to get anything right, ever, I of course stopped at $20.01.  I got to my sons school and waited a few minutes until I could bring him in, spending those few minutes having a complete meltdown reliving the morning and how I took out all of my anger and anxiety on my kids and feeling like the worst parent in the world. 

It's pretty amazing how much a person can dislike themselves.  It sounds awful, I know.  But my kids are still babies.  It's not their fault we were running late, it was mine.  They were just acting the way they always do, I just couldn't deal with it the way I should have because I was pissed off and mad at myself.  It's unfair and I still feel terrible about it 10 hours later.

I raced back, stopped at McDonalds to get the girls lunch (yes I know, so healthy, mom of the year) and got them to school and hugged them both as hard as I could and whispered how sorry I was for having such a terrible morning.

I spend the next few minutes on the phone sobbing while talking to my Mom.  Thanks Mom by the way for always being there for me when I'm completely nuts. 

Conclusion?  I called my psychiatrist and practically begged him to put me back on the something.  Honestly, I'd rather be overweight than spend every morning like this.  It's just not worth it, and I pray everyday that my kids are young enough that they won't remember me this way. 

So, if you're having a bad day....just remember....you're not alone.  A lot of my days are rough like this.  No one tells you about days like these.  Everyone loves talking about all the good parts of parenting and believe me, there's a lot of good.  But, there's also a lot of bad.  It's not easy.  It's hard, every single day.  Good days, bad days, good weeks, bad months.  It's up and down.  It's bipolar. 

I'm sorry if you're sitting there reading this thinking how terrible of a person I am.  But I'm here to be honest.  That's what the whole idea of my blog is about.  Honesty.  Because I know, for a fact, that I'm not the only Mom out there who goes through this.  So for you, that Mom who is sitting there, feeling alone, just remember you're not.  I'm just like you. 

No comments:

Post a Comment